She was just staring at me.
She had something to say, and I could tell she was curious about the Free Listening sign, but she didn’t seem to have to courage to speak to me.
Yet.
So, I waited. Nowhere to be, and all day to get there.
It was so hot outside.
Finally, she walked up, and like a young warrior preparing for battle, she said:
“I don’t usually do this, and I know this isn’t a hot button topic anymore… But, I think abortion is wrong. It’s not a form of birth control, and people who have them should be arrested for murder."
Most protesters at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland were yelling about Donald Trump— for or against— all part of this beautiful circus of free speech.
She was different. There was no circus here. She was serious.
I had been Free Listening at the RNC for a few hours, and most people who spoke with me told me about their families, their jobs, and the things that brought them to Cleveland.
No one had opened up about a serious, but controversial issue.
But here she was.
It was so hot outside.
Let's face it, it’s loud out there. It seems like everyone has something to say and somewhere to say it.
Our Facebook feeds are littered with articles, posts, and images from all types of people. For some of us, this is difficult to handle, so we edit out the ones we disagree with until our feed looks more like an echo board our of own thoughts.
If we’re not careful, we’ll treat people this way. Editing out the ones we disagree with until we’re surrounded by people who are just like us.
Then we wonder why we’re so divided.
I know what you’re thinking, though: “It’s my feed, I’ll block who I want. I shouldn’t have to be offended. I don’t have time for that. Life is too short. I only want to see what I want to see.”
If we’re not careful, we’ll treat people this way.
Then wonder why we’re so divided.
If there’s one question I get asked more than any other question, it’s this: How do I listen to someone when I disagree with them?
There are many ways to answer this. It takes a lot of forgiveness, compassion, patience, and courage to listen in the face of disagreement. I could write pages on each of these principles, but let's start with the one thing that makes forgiveness, compassion, patience, and courage possible.
We must work to hear the person not just the opinion.
My friend, Agape, says it like this:
“Hear the Biography, not the ideology. ”
When someone has a point of view we find difficult to understand, disagreeable, or even offensive, we must look to the set of circumstances that person has experienced that resulted in that point of view.
Get their story, their biography, and you’ll open up the real possibility of an understanding that transcends disagreement.
Like the roots of a tree, our stories, which can create our beliefs, are completely unique, and also connected. It is through story that we can find common ground enough to co-exist in the face of great, often necessary, tension.
When you find yourself in disagreement, just ask one question:
“Will you tell me your story? I’d love to know how you came to this point of view.”
As she spoke to me about her beliefs on abortion, I wanted to stop her, and tell her my story.
I’ve sat with two loved ones as they suffered through the difficult decision and consequences of ending a pregnancy. It was a brutal human experience, and gave me an insight to something I never expected to witness.
In moments like that, “choice” doesn’t seem to be the right word.
So, when she told me they should be arrested for terminating a pregnancy, the familiar burn of disagreement started to fire in me.
There were so many things I wanted to say. I wanted to change her mind, to argue, to disagree. It’s a natural response.
But, if my story brought me to my beliefs, then I needed to know how her story brought her to her beliefs.
“When you listen, you may learn something new.”
So, I asked:
“Thank you for sharing that. Tell me your story? I’d love to know how you came to this point of view.”
She seemed surprised by my interest.
“Why? It doesn’t matter. Your sign said Free Listening, so I gave you something to listen to.”
“Give me more to listen to.”
“They should be locked up! It’s wrong. It’s not right to go out and sleep with whoever, then just vacuum away the result like it never happened.”
She paused… then inhaled the entire world.
“And it’s not fair. All I’ve ever wanted to be is a mom. My whole life, I knew I was meant to have children. Then, when I was 18— 18!— the doctor told me I’d never have children. My ovaries were damaged, or missing... it doesn’t matter which. I kept it a secret, and when my husband found out, he left me. I’m alone, my body doesn’t work, I’m old… who will ever love me…”
I wondered if she could hear my heart breaking.
“… so, I guess I get upset when I see people who can get pregnant, who can have kids, whose bodies work… who can be moms… and they just choose not to…”
Sometimes, there’s nothing to “disagree” with.
I didn’t need to be right.
I just needed to be there.
She wiped away a few tears, gave me a hug, and thanked me for listening.
She exhaled, and walked back into the RNC free speech circus.
Maybe one day, she’ll hear my story. But today, it was my turn to hear hers.
I hope she felt loved.
The truth is, if our love can hold space for paradox, tension, and disagreement, there's room for all types of beliefs and opinions.
Division is a choice.
Life isn't a Facebook feed.
Our love, our listening, must bring in, not edit out.
Dare to listen, dare to be quiet, dare to seek understanding; in the end, it's the people we need to love, not their opinions.
How do you listen when you disagree with what’s being said?